Running In Shadows: My Journey Through Running, Anxiety & Depression
Introduction:
I’m neither a professional writer nor runner. Simply a regular person who’s been hitting the trails & roads for about 12 years. I’ve hesitated to write this post, partly due to my private nature and a fear of putting myself “out-there”. But as discussions around mental health grow, I feel it’s right to share my own journey.
I grapple with depression and anxiety alongside my passion for running. If my experiences resonate with even one person, if they offer clarity or hope, then sharing this will have been worthwhile. So here it is – my story, in all its ups and downs.
Discovering Running
In 2011, aged 35, I was adrift in life, locked in a monotonous job, and searching for purpose. The answer came out of the blue, in the form of running.
Securing a charity spot for the 2011 London Marathon, after completing a half marathon a little while before, was supposed to be a bucket list item – run it, tick it, move on. But the gruelling training, pushing past limits, ignited a fire in me. Completing that first challenge transformed me from aimless Paul to Paul, the Marathoner.
Running fostered a sense of self-worth and confidence I hadn’t known before. It wasn’t a passing phase, but a lifeline. I was no longer ticking a box, but embracing a newfound passion and strength. And so, the chapter of my life as a runner began.
Childhood Memories and Trials
It’s important to have a look at my early life, just to provide a little context: I entered the world in 1974, experiencing a simple childhood until my parents’ divorce when I was six. While it was a jarring shift, my life remained fairly ordinary, thanks to the unconditional love and care from my mother, grandparents, and older brothers.
Life, however, had more curveballs in store. When I was about eight, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Despite the grim circumstances, my young mind didn’t fully grasp the severity of the situation. That is, until the day my mother passed away when I was just ten years old. A few months later, my grandfather followed suit, leaving me with my grandmother.
We moved to another part of Wales, closer to nan’s family, and although she tried her best, life was a struggle. Tragically, my grandmother also passed away when I was thirteen, leaving me with a sense of profound loss and confusion.
At this point, my father re-entered my life, complete with a new family. My adolescence was marked by trying to fit into this new family, living in another new town and attending a new school, all while wrestling with the grief and turmoil of losing my loved ones. It was an uphill battle that I believe set the foundation for my later struggles with mental health. My father’s passing when I was 17 added another layer of complexity to this already troubled period. This led me at age 20 to leave South Wales and move to the Midlands with one of my older brothers, trying to rebuild my life and form some sort of direction and purpose.
The Life-Changing Shift to Jersey
A couple of years later in my 23rd year, I made a bold decision to relocate to Jersey, and despite thinking it was near the Isle of Wight, I got a one-way ticket there in April 1998. This proved to be a pivotal moment in my life. Jersey exposed me to a world of opportunities, a stark contrast from the narrow perspective of my teenage years spent in South Wales.
Living in Jersey was like discovering a life in glorious technicolour after being confined to shades of grey previously. I found myself making friends, exploring new cultures and places through travel, and living experiences I’d never thought possible. Life was a whirlwind of work, friendship, and globe-trotting, providing an effective distraction from my underlying storm of unresolved issues.
As I approached my mid-thirties, however, the facade began to crumble. The veneer of a carefree life started to peel away, revealing my deep-seated insecurities and fears. The pursuit of stability led me through a tumultuous maze of relationships, all while dealing with a fear of abandonment and a struggle to manage my emotions. I was at a crossroads, grappling with feelings of anger, sadness, and a desperate need for love and acceptance, trying to placate the turmoil brewing within me.
The Ups and Downs of Running
As mentioned previously along came running, and after the London Marathon, morphed from a hobby into a lifeline, shaping my life direction and my core identity. Now a marathon runner, people’s respect and positive feedback gave me a thrill that spurred me from one extreme challenge to another – from the Marathon Des Sables to a seven-day ultra-marathon around Jersey to an extraordinary ultra-triathlon – the sky was truly the limit!
While I did raise considerable funds for Jersey Hospice Care completing some of these crazy challenges, my extreme feats were primarily fuelled by my need to fill an internal void. I had turned to medication in 2012 to stem the tumultuous emotions that mirrored my physical trials. Amid this mental turmoil, my personal life was not stable, deepening my emotional muddle.
A physical breaking point came post the seven-day ultra-marathon in 2014. My body faltered, and with it, my self-esteem crumbled. The joy of running was lost, sparking a deep character crisis. Between 2016 and 2020, depression, anxiety, and medication trials consumed me, whilst many important relationships deteriorated, further impacting my wellbeing.
Reframing Running and Life
From 2015, my relationship with running continued but fortunately evolved. Amid my struggles, I founded parkrun in Jersey in 2015 and Trail Monkey in 2018, channeling my passion for running into organising events. This period was a journey of self-rediscovery. Accepting my changed identity as a runner, I found new dimensions to myself.
By 2020, I rediscovered the joy of running – not for external applause or extremes, but for the love of it. The struggle with physical limitations and self-doubt was real, yet I found solace in short runs with my dog, accepting my new reality with peace. I parked my ego, forgot about previous achievements, and gradually, running became about mental wellbeing and pure joy, just in and of itself.
I still toyed with training for races, with a few false starts, but anxiety and self-doubt overshadowed the endeavours. Thankfully, I ran for the love of it and with the support of Jess, my dog and best friend. In those moments, running revealed its different facets and transformative power in life.
Where I am at right now
Despite starting slow and short, I managed to complete a few ultra-marathons last year, marking a personal victory. After overcoming my anxiety through collaborative training with a good friend, I participated in multiple races, including the South Wales Coastal Ultra and the Guernsey ultra. Although I didn’t finish the 100km Northumberland race due to an anxiety incident, I was able to complete the 50km course which still gave me a sense of achievement.
At the beginning of this year, I was set to participate in the Arc of Attrition 50 miler. Those of you who have heard of this race know the fearsome reputation it has, I decided to withdraw a month prior as I was not mentally strong enough to do this race justice and I didn’t want to ruin my fledgling love for running!
Understanding Anxiety
Currently, I experience daily fluctuations of anxiety. My productivity ranges from extremely high to almost non-existent. Fortunately, I’ve developed coping strategies, such as incorporating daily meditation, which has significantly improved my well-being and provided tools to understand my triggers better.
On particularly challenging days, I try to be gentle with myself. In the past, negative self-talk exacerbated my issues with self-worth. Now, I permit myself to adjust plans, adapting my schedule based on how I feel each day. Simple tasks like walking the dog, eating, showering, and performing household tasks can become monumental achievements.
Since January 1st 2023, I’ve committed to a “Run Streak”, which involves running at least 2 miles a day day, every day. This commitment has simplified my decision-making process, removing the “whether” and focusing on “how far”. Despite some days feeling overwhelming, I’ve never regretted a single run. I’ve recently passed the 6-month mark and intend to continue this streak, adjusting intensity for recovery days or training days as needed. Despite facing challenging circumstances, such as early morning transatlantic flights, and 4 day music festivals, I’ve somehow stuck to my commitment. My journey with the run streak was a big catalyst in prompting me to write this blog piece.
The Journey
Reflecting on the past 12-13 years, I recognize how pivotal running has been for me. It has enriched my life with countless friendships, experiences, and moments of joy. I transitioned from a destructive relationship with running to a healthier, balanced one, which I view as a significant achievement.
Lessons Learnt
Distilling years of experience, some key lessons stand out:
Be kind to yourself – I was the king of negative self-talk, still am. Fundamentally my life experiences when I was young resulted in me believing I wasn’t good enough, and this is my underpinning belief about myself in everything I do. I recognise it now, which is a massive leap forward, and I do the work every day to try and undo those beliefs.
Keep plugging away – I think a lot of people try running, find it really hard, get discouraged and then give up. Which is absolutely fine, it doesn’t suit everyone! But I often hear stories of people who don’t believe they are runners or feel silly attempting races, or feel intimidated by the other people taking part. I have been there and I understand this feeling. I did a triathlon in 2005 and was second from last, and by the time I got to the finish they had packed up the finish line and most people had gone home. I was gutted, but this feeling has always stayed with me – this was a massive driver for me to get parkrun seup in Jersey as well ensuring the inclusivity of runners later at my Trail Monkey events. Running is hard at the start, but once you get beyond the first few weeks or months of this, the payoff is exponential!
Things are not always linear – this is in life as well as in races. One minute you feel rubbish and then half an hour later you are flying! I think keeping an open mind about when the times are challenging, and being open to the possibility that things will change, and having strategies to encourage that change; in a race it might be eating something, or having a stretch or taking a electrolyte, in life it might be taking medication, or meditating or doing yoga, or going for a run.
The Message
If you are still here, well done! This piece was inspired by the need to share my personal mental health journey, shedding light on a critical topic. I am no doctor, I give terrible advice, but I have been in the very depths of the grip of depression and anxiety and I have found a way to function despite the grip this has had on me at times. Running has helped me no end, without a doubt, whilst at times also being a source of my anxiety, but I guess nothing worth having comes easily does it?
I hope that the words I have written give people who are able to identify with some or all of the symptoms a little bit of insight and some reassurance that you are not alone. If you are struggling, talk to someone, and if you are looking for something to help, I recommend meditation – the day on day act of doing this is transformative, if subtle, and I remember the looking back on 6 months of meditation and being so surprised at the changes within myself just by doing something so simple.